i have this row all to myself. row 54, seats A, B, and C. having this much space icarb enclosed area gives me time to think. time to process and prepare myself for what i would call the absolute worst thing i have to endure so far.
she's 90. she was in the hospital for about 2 months. pneumonia and then complication after complication. they discharged her 2 weeks ago because she was getting better. everything is being arranged for the recovery road. we thought she really was getting better. thoughts can lie.
within 5 hours upon getting the unfortunate news, flights were booked. my phone went off at 4 in the morning. i got the news by way of twitter. 2 tweets that included the word "condolence" in them from friends who care deeply about my family.
"fuck. oh my god. holy fuck. shit. fucking shit."
those were the only words that my brain could command my lips to open to.
"my grandma is gone."
all i could do was lay there in darkness. i wanted to drown. i didn't know i could feel such pain. luckily, i have my bestfriend next to me. she was very helpful and consoling. i don't know what i'd do without her.
at that very moment, memories of mamang (grandma) came rushing to me. she was never your typical doting grandma who bakes you cookies and makes you quilts for christmas. nope. and yet not one of her 26 grandchildren complained about that fact ever. she loved and cared for us in her own way. nobody knows really if she favored any of her grandchildren because none of us felt unloved. however, i can still remember my mom telling me a story of how mamang would tell the other kids to not touch the mangoes coz she's saving them for me.
when mamang used to have chickens, every sunday morning that we're visiting her, she would call on those chickens with this chickenly something sound that she makes. for us grandkids, that means one thing..."time to get up and start doing the house chores!" we all hated it. those mango leaves were total pain to get rid of off her backyard. we all complained and mumbled and yet we'd all still do it. the reward? beach time for 4 whole hours!
on monday evening, i checked facebook. i wanted to see what my cousins changed their status message to. everyone wrote something different. and from those, you can tell what kind of relationship each of her grandkids had with her.
i asked my sister, ailee, if she cried when she first heard about mamang's passing. she said it made her sad right away. and then eventually the thought of mamang not being there anymore made her even more sadder. it kills her, she said.
mamang is a pretty cool grandma to joke around and have fun with. she wasn't perfect but she was more than enough for us. i love the fact that she was different in her own little way. she may be stubborn at times but we all loved her for it. never will i ask for another grandma.
goddamn it, just typing 'was' instead of 'is' is breaking my heart.
i will miss you so much, mamang. can't wait to fistbump with you again. in that morning...in that bright morning...someday...
nothing but love.