god bless

my hand almost fell off from writing christmas cards last night. halfway through them, something hit me. i wasn't writing "god bless!" on them (coz i usually do). it got me thinking, did i stop believing? did my subconcious stop believing in god? is this the agnostic me? should i go back and write it?

just recently i've accepted a huge responsibility in my church. and it terrifies me. when my grandma passed away in september, i questioned that thing called life. how i'm living mine and if there's more for me. i felt like i'm wasting away. i still question my existence more often than usual. so i guess maybe saying yes to what my church is asking of me would help eh? through this, i could probably touch somebody's life. make an impact, religiously or not.

i am not a jesus freak. i am not a role model. i'd kill myself if i tell you to follow me. i am not perfect. i have my fair share of wrong doings, maybe more. maybe more than i myself is aware of. i will never push my beliefs on you. honestly, sometimes i don't even know for sure where i stand when it comes to believing in god. but this is me. most of the time i just need to have someone bigger than anything i know to put my faith on. most of the time....it's god. that fact calms me down.